There seems to be some sort of pattern in EVERYTHING I do. Which can be a good thing.. and a bad thing. But for the most part, lately, it's all been for the good side!
One specific pattern (or maybe it's just habit) that I can't seem to shake usually comes around the last few days of each week, since December 12th. And I end up writing something like I did last night in my journal:
When will the tears end?
Please tell me!
So I can be a good friend again.
I beg on my hands and knees just to her hear her voice,
Though I know she wouldn't be here
If it were her choice.
But still the mascara runs almost willingly down my cheeks,
And I haven't been able to stop it
For these past endless weeks.
I feel so much pain and anger inside,
All I ask is please, with me abide.
I know they say it gets easier as you go.
But for me, I continue to feel it.
From my head to my toes.
This pain just seems to amplify
And I keep asking myself
Why couldn't she have waited a little longer to die.
An end needs to come to these "best friend withdrawals",
The crying, sobbing, sulking, and back and forth "feeling brawls".
My blessing says to have a warm heart,
And then I won't feel that we're apart.
But it's hard to feel warm, when what I feel is cold.
I feel Him telling me that one day,
These feelings will grow old.
I'm growing anxious for the day we, again, see each other.
And stand, hand in hand,
One to another.
After writing these sad, sulky poems.. I immediately feel stupid.. and almost guilty for writing them! Yeah.. I'm sad. But I have absolutely no reason to be!! And usually I'm not. The thought of, not just Megan, but the other friends and family of mine who have passed on; in such a beautiful place, brings me so much happiness and fulfillment that I can't help but feel completely overjoyed and, as I said in my poem, anxious to see them again. I don't know if most of you know this.. but within the past month I have lost two of my friends to two different car accidents and two of my great-grandparents, one of which gave me my PATRIARCHAL BLESSING. I honestly could not tell you where my life would be headed right now if I didn't feel this constant happiness, love, hope, gratefulness, and peace all the time. I wish I could share these wonderful feelings with everyone around me. This may sound crazy.. but I wish I could just touch them (literally) and have them feel this warmth. But since I am not, under any circumstances, a superhero.. I cannot do this. I can only share my testimony (yes.. it exists) with everyone around me!
EXCITING NEWS! Again.. like my wrestling fan gear.. this may seem small and insignificant. In the mail today came my brand new red ruby... CONVERSE. No, not slippers.. converse! They are absolutely, positively to die for!! I'm waiting for conformation.. but I'm hoping that on the last night we perform the Wizard of Oz, instead of wearing my red ruby slippers.. I can wear my converse! I know some people will that is crazy and that the slippers are a key part in the show, and if I wear converse.. it'll ruin it. But if you know me at all.. you know I would do it in a heart beat! I mean, don't you think it would be awesome to see me standing there on stage, in the middle of Emerald City, saying "Theres no place like home!" in my red ruby converse??? The answer is yes! It would be awesome!
ACT 2 Scene 12
Dorothy
Well- I- I think that it isn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. And it's that- If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again.. I won't look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn't there.. I never really lost it to begin with.
She (or I.. hehe! :) ) speaks the truth! Thanks Dorothy!
Love, Hunter Bug
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You're such a wonderful poet, I love you! :)
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need anything, just lemme know! Just like I said on Sunday, haha if anyone even understood me while I was crying (how embarassing.)
I know how you feel sad about Megan and happy at the same time--I think about it every day.
I LOVE THE CONVERSE IDEA!! After the show you should give them to me ;) Teehee. Just kidding. I'm going to come to the show as many times as I can!
The converse sound awesome!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel "losing" special people. It's not that we have lost them, it's just that they are on vacation from us and we will join them when our work is finished. I think about my family members daily. Just last night as I closed my eyes, there was this warm light all around me. I know exactly who it was and this brings such comfort to me that we will be with our friends and family again. It's okay to have sad days...
Can't wait to see the play!
One thing I know for certain is that through this life lesson you are experiencing you've learned and fostered a new talent. ☺♥
ReplyDeleteOkay--seriously, Hunter! You are so mature. And so talented. You express yourself incredibly well and have such a great foundation in the gospel. I am so impressed! What a great example you are to me. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHey...you could add little red rhinestones (do come off with warm soapy water) to your converse.
ReplyDeleteOne thought comes to mind, from the book "Left to Tell"...When she went back to visit her lost home, she saw her parents and siblings standing above the ruins letting her know how much they love her and that she needed to know how happy they were. They told her to basically (don't remember the words just the feelings I had), to be happy for they had work to do. They would be there for her, but wanted her to be happy for them, so they could move forward in the Lords work.
Your sweet friend will always be apart of your life and at many times of it be there with you. I know that the most important part of death, is to grieve. The tears will lessen, the sorrow will slowly leave. That's the Lords tender mercy on us left on earth to live our test and purpose. It is good you are expressing yourself...for it brings healing.
Hold her in your heart, in a very special place..for that is what she is doing in heaven for you. You are a blessing to all around you bug...aunt Melie Loves you